Balance

Since I can first remember, I've prepped for the day I'd become a mama.  I never knew exactly what I wanted to do career-wise, or where exactly I wanted to live.  But, there was one thing I knew for sure: I was going to be a mama.   I hadn't outlined exactly how I'd do it, or when or where.  But I knew I was going to do it - and that I'd do it like it'd never been done before.

Late this April, Maksim Alexander entered the world - while simultaneously rocking mine.  He was big and strong, and I knew immediately that he'd require more of me than I'd ever imagined I even had available to give in the first place.  My first reaction was not one of swoon and ooo's and ahhh's.  I remember thinking, "That. JUST. HAPPENED."

He was placed on my chest, and I could instantly feel the floodgates of responsibility drowning me.  Luckily, I had experience in the water and knew how to keep my head afloat.  It wasn't that I doubted my ability to parent my child.  Not at all.  I had that anxious excitement that is always accompanied by little butterflies fluttering in your stomach.  I had determination.  It was more like, "Swimmers, on your blocks...This is it, Linds.  You're really doing this.  Take your mark...You've been waiting patiently almost 29 years for this moment.  You're calling the shots.  And then the single beep of the buzzer...Swim like hell."

Throughout my pregnancy (and prior to becoming pregnant), Bryon and I discussed our plans on how we will parent our children.  Our ideas are always carefully researched and continually evolving.  To say the very least, our approach is about as far from mainstream as you can get without jumping out of the river and running off miles away into the wilderness.  Crunchy?  Perhaps (at times).  Uninformed?  Not in the least.

There are so many aspects of pregnancy, birth and child-rearing that I plan to post about.  However, this particular post is more of an admission to the struggles of parenting outside of the box.  Being a stay at home mama can be lonely.  Being a stay at home mama who parents her child, in seemingly every single possible way, differently from those around her is another thing entirely.

That being said, here are just a handful my confessions:
We chose a natural pregnancy.
We chose a natural birth.
We opted out of all vaccinations for our child.
I breastfeed, exclusively, on demand. (No bottles.)
We stick to a mainly vegan diet.
We practice a combination of elimination communication and cloth diapering.
We co-sleep with our little one.
We carry/wear our baby.
We follow an attachment-esque style parenting approach.
We use use all organic clothing/blankets with our baby.
We stick to baby toys that are non-toxic and BPA-free.
We use soaps, wipe solution, etc. that is all-natural and organic (when possible).

Are there days when I wish I could just stop by our local Target and pick up an easy substitution to our available-online-only clothing?  Yes.  Would shopping at the grocery store and never needing to make an extra return trip because there wasn't organic produce available for the meals I'd planned make my life a lot easier?  You bet.  Do my arms ever feel like they're going to fall off because Maks just wants to be carried just a little bit longer?  Absolutely.  At night, do I sometimes wish I had pumped a bottle so that Bryon could feed Maks and I could get a couple more hours of uninterrupted sleep?  More times than I can count.

But then I remind myself why, exactly, we've chosen to parent the way we're parenting.  It's what we feel is best for our son.  Are there easier ways?  Of course.  But I'm not looking for easy. Nobody ever said parenting was going to be easy.  And "easy" definitely isn't good enough for my little boy.

Nonetheless, there are moments (heck, there are days and weeks) when I feel like I'm in a world all by myself.  And during those times, I want so very badly for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me that what I'm doing is right.  But that's the thing about parenthood.  There is no Get-Out-of-Parenthood-Free card.  We ask around, we research and we come to our own conclusions about what is best for our child.

I've found that enjoying my time with Maksim is just as important as sticking to the foundations that we've set for our parenting style.  This little being and I have a bond that we're continually shaping and strengthening.  I'm careful not to let anything loosen even the tiniest thread of our special connection.  So, I search for the balance between doing what I feel is best and doing what makes me the mama I want to be.  And, ironic as it may seem, the respective endpoints are always one in the same.

One of my most admired role models gave me this single piece of parenting advice just days before Maksim was born, "Lindsey, you just be you and your kids will be awesome."  And that is exactly all I can do.  I can only do "me."  But you can rest assured that I consciously make the decision to be me AT MY VERY BEST.  Every. Single. Day.

It's a balancing act.  I'm caught between mainstream and individualism.  And let me tell you, some days that darn peer pressure can be incredibly alluring.  I dove in to the marathon of all swimming events.  Yes, I do realize that I've only just completed the initial laps of the race.  It's hard work.  No - it's full-out exhausting.  But I'm learning to use my legs as much as my arms, rest during any glides, benefit from the drag of others and always come up for air.  And, ultimately, it's worth every second.

Happy 4 month birthday, Maksim!